I grew up going to a little baptist church and absolutely loved it! I loved church camp every summer, VBS and box turtle races, Bible Drill, Wednesday night fun and Sunday services! With that being said, I still didn't really know what I was doing (spiritually). I knew that I was in great company and loved my childhood, just wasn't sure transitioning into a young adult and my parents divorcing what in the world I was doing or should be doing. So as many teens I stopped going to church as my mom was working 2 jobs at the time and didn't have very much time to make sure that we were continuing on that path with the lord. Morals and values hadn't changed but my relationship with God was gone other then bedtime prayers.
At 17 I got pregnant, I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks into it. At 18 I got pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck. The unknown of a miscarriage can sometimes do that. I never blamed God for the miscarriage, just chalked it up to it being Gods plan. So getting pregnant for the second time was scary. I know it sounds silly but I didn't want to move the wrong way in fear of losing the baby this time as well. This is when anxiety started reeling out of control in my life. I was living so fearful of everything imaginable. This was 4 mths after 09/11 so you can imagine I'm sure the fear for my own life. I was so scared that the world was going to end at any minute.
Although I had SO many concerns, my daughter was born October 10, 2002. An amazing healthy baby! That didn't settle my anxiety though. Since I was born with SIDS I was terrified to take her home from the hospital, fearing that she may stop breathing. Of course the Dr was amazing and assured me that she was completely healthy and fine to go home. I had some hard years following her birth. My anxiety controlled every single thing that I did. I wouldn't let her ride a bike in fear that she would get hurt. I couldn't let her sleep in her own room in fear that someone would steal her. No babysitters fearing that someone would hurt her and she wouldn't be able to tell me. Even weekends at her dads were horrible. I think the anxiety rubbed off on her and she got to where she would be gone for a few hours and then be ready to come back home, which I loved but was NOT healthy.
In 2006 I decided that getting a tubal ligation was a good idea as I had many fears to bring more kids into the world that I couldn't take care of on my own financially, I also did not enjoy pregnancy and never wanted to experience that again!
2007 would start a whole new life for me and I didn't even know it. My dad passed away in June 2007, then my grandfather in August 2007. I had also just moved to my very own apartment July 1 2007 after living with my mom through many ups and downs. I was finally starting to learn to control my anxieties and was at a point in my life that I decided that I was meant to be single and raise my daughter. I was working full time at a daycare that Breanna could attend with me, I finally took the step to start college even though I was terrified of going anywhere alone. I went by myself and got my GED and then enrolled in college. I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do but I knew I had to start somewhere, if not for me then I had to do it for Breanna. She deserves everything in the world.
Well well well. Jimmy came along in November 2007, I truly believed that he was sent from God. The most patient, loving, caring and amazing man I had ever met. By Christmas we had decided that we were going to get married. Neither of us had been married but were convinced that we were made for each other. As you can probably imagine my mom wasn't thrilled. She didn't even know who Jimmy was and as any good mom she had many concerns about how things would work and how Breanna would be treated. I understood her concerns but told her that Jimmy and I were going to learn the journey of life together. My mom then realized that this was going to happen and that she didn't want to miss it. Jimmy and I set a date of March 29th, 2008. It wasn't that far away so a lot had to be done in a little time. Mom and I went shopping for the little things and then it was time for me, my sister and my mom to go look at wedding dresses! Eek. It was fun. I found the dress of my dreams!! I was so excited. I forgot to mention that Jimmy is from Texas and was in the U.S.Army. Jimmy was getting ready for his 2nd deployment to Iraq as a Combat Engineer (they look for the bombs and dismantle them so they don't hurt other soldiers and civilians). His family didn't know me but we were determined to plan a wedding and deal with all else at a later date. My mom helped me decide where to get married, I ordered my bouquet etc etc. February came my final dress fitting and I was sick as a dog, I had been down for a week with the flu (BAD) I was determined to go to that final fitting. I did. By myself on Valentines Day ALONE since Jimmy was in California for 3 weeks doing more training before his deployment. So the wedding came and went, Everything seemed to go as planned (mostly lol) Jimmy and I still weren't able to really live together since the military base was an hour away. So he came home on the weekends and the beginning of May 2008 Jimmy left for Iraq.
I thought it would be easy, Ha. What was I thinking. I thought I'd just stay busy with my family and work and time would fly by. Wrong!!! It was horrible. I cried everyday, I was scared and felt so alone. I had good days. Holidays were hard but for the most part I would cry and then pick myself up after praying that God would just bring him home alive. I had enough faith to know that God would get me through this, I was doubtful at times because of my relationship with God and the lack thereof. Looking back things could have been so much easier had I really given it all to God but when you don't have that relationship you don't know how to do that or just aren't willing to. Jimmy was in Iraq about 3 months when he got to come home for R&R, he planned it that way so he could attend Breanna's 1st day of kindergarten! We were so happy to see him!! Soon enough though it was time to say Goodbye again, I think it was worse that time then the 1st time. We knew we wouldn't see him for at least another 8 months. I had no idea that the worst was yet to come. I found out that I had cervical cancer in December 2008, I didn't know at that time that's what it was but by April 2009 I had to have a radical hysterectomy. That was hard without him but I had my mom, Breanna and I stayed with her so she could help take care of me and completely take care of Breanna. We got through that mess, whew. Disaster diverted! Since I had only met Jimmy's family 1 time, I didn't really have any email addresses or contact information. That's not good. Jimmy's mom passed away while he was deployed in May 2009. I had no idea what to do but I remembered Jimmy leaving me a Red Cross card with contact information and told me that I was NOT to use this unless there was a death or a TRUE emergency! He was on a plane within a few days back to the United States and we were on our way to Texas. I felt so helpless I had no idea what to do to help him, it was really sad to see someone that you love so much in that state and not be able to do anything about it!
We made it back to Missouri after the visitation, funeral, burial etc. He had to return to Iraq again! Are you serious? They were supposed to be coming home within a month, cant he just stay home? Nope! We had a few days left before I had to take him back to the airport. I went to get breakfast and as I got in the car I see Jimmy run to the door and fall down. I ran over to him and he told me that they had lost a great soldier and friend while he was home at his moms funeral. Jimmy was heartbroken. I was so upset. It didn't seem that this was fair, why is this happening to him? So many thoughts. He returned to Iraq and finally came back for good in June 2009!
No comments:
Post a Comment